Last year, I didn’t have any resolutions.
After the devastating loss of my first pregnancy, saying goodbye to my Ugandan home, my dream, and the day to day management of the non-profit I’d built over the last seven years, to move from Africa to America, I think my resolution was merely “to survive.”
I did this with an acute sense of lostness and an oozing red eye from pneumonia which I proceeded to get a week after leaving the Tropics. But I did choose a “theme” for the year. 2013 was the “year of health.” It was my goal to become “healthy.” This was more out of desperation rather than choice. I knew something was missing.
I had begun to hate my own life.
It had been a long road of saying yes to things that I felt I had to do, but didn’t want to do, but that I was now responsible for. Sound familiar?
But I was afraid to have other people think I hated my life, so I put on a good front, like every good missionary/leader/wife/girl is supposed to do.
The fissures kept widening and every once in a while I would notice that without really paying attention, most nights I could throw back close to a bottle of wine by myself like it was a glass of water just to numb what I was feeling: mostly the burden of being completely overwhelmed, like I was drowning with an audience looking on from the shore. (A year ago I could not have admitted that.)
I wouldn’t say I was depressed really, but an online questionnaire certainly seemed to think different.
When we are building something or are in service to others, looking outward, and experiencing many different levels of life’s tragedies and endless emergencies, it’s easy to stop focusing on ourselves or even thinking we matter in the equation because we’re so focused on what everyone else needs from us.
We can get so focused on saving the world, that we often forget we need saving too.
In the developing world people have lots of needs. Which is almost a disastrously perfect combination for the person who wants to meet needs. (like most missionaries/do gooders)
The being needed part in a sense became it’s own reward, gratifying proof to the world that I was in fact, necessary.
Even in my time alone or with God, it was difficult to be present or connect because of all the ways I’d become separated and fragmented from myself because I had to in order to fulfill all the roles I felt responsible for.
My quiet moments were filled with desperation and a long list of things I needed: Money. Volunteers. More hours in the day.
In the beginning I had no idea how unhealthy I actually was. It was easy to make excuses for my constant sicknesses, or the feeling of being overwhelmed all the time, or my own ego’s desire for a pat on the back, because I didn’t feel I had any choices—people needed me and I couldn’t let them down.
I couldn’t see how I could stop. The show must go on.
It was easy for me to focus on our society’s outward misrepresentation of success—changing the world, building a thriving ministry/business, becoming well-known and well-liked, rather than the true success of internal peace, whole-heartedness, and alignment with one’s self.
When I tried to contemplate if God wanted me living my life this way–depleted, exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, sad, angry, and feeling alone and abandoned–I chalked it up to the fact that ministry, and especially missions, requires sacrifice and that denial of myself, and my heart, and a life I actually wanted to live, was worth the price.
But all the wonder had gone out of my life.
I had neglected my spirit and my soul because I had stopped listening to them, had ignored what they needed.
I had told them to shut up and tossed them aside like an illegitimate child.
There was a part of me that knew it wasn’t supposed to be like this, that God hadn’t designed me for this, but I didn’t know how to change it. I was too afraid of the albatross,
“What will people think?” and “I don’t want to let anyone down.”
Instead, I would sit out on my little deck and cry out to God, “help.” Expecting him to fix things and magically send people, without realizing that maybe it was up to me to make choices to fix things.
The breaking point for me came after a series of events which I now see as Divine Providence.
First, I did a course called Storyline by Donald Miller and realized that if I was truly honest, there was no way for me to meet my goals by the way I was currently running my life. I was constantly feeling like a failure because what I was asking of myself simply wasn’t accomplishable in the time given to us every week on this planet. It was in fact, impossible.
And I wasn’t actually getting to do the parts I loved.
Secondly, I went to see an incredibly awesome, fearless, leadership coach who pretty much told me like it was. She taught me to listen to myself, and understand my personality type and what were healthy and unhealthy choices for me.
Thirdly, as part of an exercise with her, I emailed a bunch of friends a questionnaire to fill out about what they saw me doing when I was most happy. Another brave soul had the courage to say something which literally rocked my world:
“The truth is, I haven’t seen you happy for a long time.”
Ouch. Ok, so if that’s not an invitation to change your life, I don’t know what is.
These “Ah Ha” moments were compounded by the fact that around that time we discovered I had fertility problems and that if I wanted to get pregnant I was going to have to radically de-stress my life and make myself a priority.
This felt wrong and selfish. And not very….Christian-like.
Lastly, I stumbled upon Brene` Brown’s stunning book, The Gifts of Imperfection which sent me on a journey of self-compassion, and exploration of play and rest.
I knew choices had to be made.
But I didn’t want to make them. I felt trapped by the very net I had woven myself: people depended on me. It took lots of prayer, sobbing hysterically, some seriously gut-wrenching conversations, and several temper tantrums, but I knew the truth inside me, the truth I couldn’t ignore.
I had to stop.
“Everything good I’ve gotten in life is only because I gave something else up.”
And I know this to be true.
It was not easy, this surrender to my truth.
It will almost always be the hardest thing you’ve had to do.
But somehow, slowly, I decided to say no. I decided to go part-time with my ministry, speak less, travel less, and gradually transition programs to a more manageable level, and those that I couldn’t, I transitioned into the hands of other people who could do it better than me. And I stopped answering every email. Sorry.
In this whole culture of “Leaning In,” I am finally putting my feet up and leaning back. I’m listening to myself, and in there somewhere, I find I’m listening to God too. And it feels good.
I’m learning if we don’t take care of our soul, our spirit and our body, then we are not truly following God’s commandment to love our neighbor “as we love ourselves.” Sometimes we forget that last part.
The world can only change when we change.
There are lots of trail runs and long walks, days reading by the pool, unhurried talks with God, writing the book that I’ve always wanted to write, dreaming about someday helping other leaders learn the lessons I’ve learned hopefully less painfully, and more time spent with my husband. And sure, maybe some people judge me.
But you know what?
I’m happy. I’m at peace within myself. And because of that, I have more to give.
Through rest, my creativity is resurfacing.
But for now, I’m learning to steward it with the Divine being my only reference point of approval.
These days, there are other questions like, “Am I doing enough?” and other temptations to become busy again to feel more useful. But I hush them and tuck them away under the cover of this new peace.
This year, I did make resolutions and one of them was to put roots down in my own soil to see what would come up and flourish.
And it has made all the difference.
Have you ever quit your life?
