When You Lose Your Whole World

August 25, 2012
 

It feels like the inside of me is being wrung out like a wet towel which no longer holds water.

I wanted my first blog back in the States to be full of stories from the vacation we’ve been meaning to take for 3 years, or the crazy adventures of seeing family and friends we’ve missed so much, or a blog on rest, and how I was getting it. All the many testimonies of God’s faithfulness to us in Uganda over the last six months.
This is not a story about that.

It might get too real and too honest for some of you, and many of you I wanted to share with in person, so please don’t feel left out, or bad that you didn’t know. But I’m a writer. I have to write it out.
It’s the only thing that helps.

It feels like yesterday that I was happy.

Yesterday, I was pregnant. They said somewhere between 8-10 weeks. By 8 weeks your baby has a heartbeat. By 8 weeks your baby has tiny nub-like hands that will form into fingers you will kiss with your mouth. An internal organ system. A brain.

My tiny blueberry baby.

I dream his blond curly hair and dimpled smile that creases just like my husband’s.

We’re never prepared, and yet, this one was so wanted. Being pregnant, creating love and life in the world, is such a joyful experience. It should be. We already had 10 names for him.

I never had a fear about pregnancy.
Never doubted if I could get pregnant or if my body would carry a child. I never let those twisty thoughts in. I am after all half-Latina. These hips should be made for birthing. And every day in Africa I see women who are pregnant. All the time.

They pop out 7 or 8 kids like a gumball machine that just doesn’t quit. So fertile, so strong.

Every day I love them, help them go to sonograms, and spend hours in hospitals, and help give birth. Every day I hold babies. At least one.

Every day she holds one child while carrying another in her belly. It all seemed so easy. If they could do it without pre-natals, without proper nutrition, and exercise and good doctors, how much easier would it be for me. I held their children, but never with envy, because I knew someday it would be my turn.

It’s not something people talk about much. Everyone says to wait those 12 weeks, until you “know for sure,” but it doesn’t really make sense to me. To go through this kind of trauma, alone. Because its part of my life, and its happening to me.

And maybe if we can talk about it, we can help each other.

I read a book yesterday that says that we have to hold our heart open, because when we close it, we begin to shut down, we begin to die on the inside. So I have to let it open, let these things pass through me. And let it go.

I did all the right things.
I ate my greens. I did the stupid aerobic prenatal video.
I drank the water.
I took the horse-pill vitamins down my throat.
I journaled.
I tried to meditate.
I read 5 books.
I googled everything. 12 times a day.

I tried not to be “stressed out” for my baby. With all those pregnancy
hormones coursing through my body…yeah right.
I tried to be a good wife. A crazy wife. But a good one.

So why does it still feel like my fault? Because at the end of the day we always wonder. Did I do something wrong?
Because we want an explanation. Someone to tell us why. Because my Daddy God loves me. Because he loved the spirit of this yet unborn child.

The blood spotted slow at first. Then it was more like leaky faucet, bright red, and constant. Then the fear clutched. Can’t breathe, hard to breathe. The pain. A little. But enough.

I felt it, in a place yet un-named.

Something is wrong.

Then the white lights of the hospital room without my husband. We don’t think we can bare it but then we do.

And we go on living. With a hole in our heart blown wide open.

The waiting in between the space of what I hope and the worst of what might be like a minefield in the mid-day sun I know I will have to cross.

The belief is hard. The hope. Maybe its going to be ok. It needs to be ok.

I turn into Daddy’s arms. Why?

“I hold you in the palm of my hands.”

That’s all he says, but I yearn for more.
I think of God, not just Father, but mother too. I think of how He holds us to His chest, how he would do anything for us. How it hurts him when he loses a child. How the mother heart of God beats true and fierce. Would go through it for me if He could. Like my own mom.

I think that this can’t be happening to me. I go through all the possible worst-case scenarios first because it gives me the illusion of control.
Miscarriage.
Ectopic.
Surgery.

No baby in my arms in 7 months.
No grandbaby.

In Rwanda, in April, they grieve the names of the dead. Maybe mine will join them.

And like the arms of Africa have always accepted me, maybe they will surround him too.

I can’t write it all because its just too horrible. And this will end up sounding more like an over-dramatized version of Grey’s Anatomy or Private Practice. I make fun of them, but I just watched a show where the baby was born without a brain. I put a hand on my belly and prayed. Not this one.

I’m not trying to make you cry. Or maybe I want you to know that it’s ok to if something like this has happened to you. This happens to so many moms and they hold their heart in silence. With all the questions, unresolved.

Can I get pregnant?
Will I get pregnant again?
Does my body just reject my babies?

Every time I went to the toilet, my biggest fear was expelling him out into the world.

I go to the hospital again. This time they are being very nice and saying words I’m not understanding. They are giving me options that my brain cannot compute.

Ectopic. Things like:
Methotrexate.
Surgery.
1 in 4,000 women. Rare.
25% more likely to have one in the future
60% chance of having a healthy baby in the future.

The words slur drunken together. Try to breathe. Try not to break down.

My best case was the medicine. Where the baby is broken down and absorbed back into your body.

I liked that idea, of him being with me forever, little particles of light.

But in my case, it was the worst case scenario. After hours of waiting, I had to have the surgery.

It was not what I wanted. None of it was what I wanted, but the doctors and my family and friends were so kind.

And my husband was able to get there. He was a rock. A refuge. We held each other close and said goodbye through so many tears that I feel my eyes will always be swollen. I could not have gone through this without him.

Our love grows strong against the cold.

Stephanie and I talk about his spirit. Him being in heaven. Growing up there. I think of a baby cherub.

Somehow, it makes me feel better.

I’m not sure how we survive things at all without friendship.

I like to think that I was brave at the end. Tyson tells me to be positive. To want to wake up. So I think these things. I imagine my big angel at the foot of my bed, protecting me. I imagine Father waiting to receive him. And it makes me feel better.

You know, I thought I would be angry. And maybe I will be. Oh but the grace of my Daddy.

This could have happened in Uganda.
Without technology.
I could have ruptured and bled out.
Without Trans-vaginal sonogram machines with really long wands that you hope are not going where they look like they’re going.
But end up saving your life.

So many blessings peek their heads through my stained-glass shatter of pain.

Before I go in, I tell my husband I’m going to stop working so hard.No better time to make a resolution than before you go under.

I think that in a few months we can try again.

The meds make me drunk and I think I tell the doctors they are the nicest people in the world.
I wonder when I’ll be able to have sex again.

You know, really important thoughts.

For a minute, I forget about what they are about to do.

When I wake up, I remember.

The body lurches with myriads of pain. He’s gone. Today, today I am no longer pregnant.

Today, I can barely move because of the hurt in my abdomen. And this heart that can’t bear to swallow one of the worst days of my life.

I’ve lost many things in my life. First love. First baby. First happy sonogram with healthy beating heart. The enemy has stolen many things. Tried to destroy me.

But I try to keep my heart open. God helps me keep it open.

Like a prayer plant hungry for the sun.

I try to be strong enough to know that this doesn’t mean God isn’t for me. It doesn’t mean there isn’t double waiting for me.After all, I’m still a mother to a couple hundred babes in Uganda. There are still very many babies to hold.

I’m still a broken one absorbing the light. A supernova.

Waiting for the day I’ll give birth
into a luminous night.

**For our baby: “I carry your heart in my heart. I carry it in my heart. I am never without it. Anywhere you go, I go my dear….this is the wonder that is keeping the stars apart. I carry your heart in my heart.” -e.e. cummings-

***Thank you for all the prayers, support, phone calls, and kind words. For those of you who did not know I was pregnant yet, sorry for the shock. I may be off the grid for a while, but I love you all. If you want to help and don’t know what to do, the reality is,we are going to have massive medical bills. But mostly we need prayer and friendship. And maybe the space and understanding to get through this, even if we forget to call you back. We appreciate your love. You can send notes, words of encouragement, and any help to Tyson and I: P.O. Box 321 Quinque, VA 22965

***The picture is of my sister when she gave birth to her son Ethan. A ray of hope in the dark.

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  • Lindsey

    beautifully written and heartbreaking. our prayers are with you and tyson.

  • I know….
    miscarriage
    pain
    ectopic
    surgery
    twins in heaven

    This happened after four children. The Lord then blessed us with a baby boy the next year. I don’t know what your story will be, but you are a beautiful child of God, and oh, the plans He has for you! May He comfort your heart as you go through this loss of precious little one.

  • Oh Sarita, I’m so sorry to hear this. I definitely have felt your pain, but I have also experienced beautiful redemption. Last year on September 25th I lost a baby to miscarriage, and it was definitely a very difficult time. Everything about that pregnancy had been “perfect” up to that point, planned and successful, exactly the timing I wanted, even my due date was Mother’s Day. Losing the baby was devastating for me, but God blessed us with another one pretty soon afterward. When I found out I was pregnant again I looked up my estimated due date and my jaw almost hit the floor. September 25th, exactly one year after our loss. He even finds ways to redeem a day of the calendar that would have been so dark and sad, and turned those ashes into something beautiful. He’ll do it for you too, I believe it.

    “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me … to bind up the brokenhearted,… to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor …
    to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isa 61:1-3)

  • Dear Sarita
    i cant say i know exactly how you feel but we have had moments in life of emptiness and loss that can make us identify with each other. Am sorry for your loss but am hopeful too for the God we serve never runs out.

    Be strong and courageous to take baby steps to move ahead.
    earlier on i had commented on your FB post about God giving back and yes he will. i believe it strong in my spirit that the spirit of God gave me those words for you.
    cry when you need to cry for our tears are the closest yet silent words of prayer to our father.
    i was reading an article just yesterday about God restoring back what is `Stolen and i learnt that God brings the object of restoration back in a better way than it was in its former state AND He increases it and multiplies it. He always likes to add more! Look at Job. When God restored Job, He gave unto Job–double (Job 42:10). That’s just the nature of God…..

    my heart is filled with hope to say this…He will restore to you and tyson back what you had and even more i know it. i belive it and i speak it by faith in christ Jesus.

    This episode of your life draw you and tyson closer to the fathers heart and to each other.

    Don’t stop smiling coz your smile was and still is the first ray of hope and love that the girls have seen including I.

    As i read thru your blog i sensed how closer you are to Gods heart wrapped in his embrace. stay there it’s the safest place to be and let him lead you into your healing, marriage, calling and life.

    its not your fault it never was and never will be. he will turn your sorrow into joy mourning into dancing…
    be still wait on him and you will see how much more he has released upon you.

    THE KISS OF GOD IS UPON YOU

    Our God is a great God and YOU WILL TESTIFY

  • My dearest big sister,

    I have been through the loss of miscarriage and I too, write about everything. The words just come more easily. It is hard to understand why things like this happen. My way of dealing was to think that God has a reason and a timing for everything that happens. Although I had lost my angel, heaven had gained one and what better arms for my baby than in the Lords. I love you guys and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Guys, Thanks for standing with me in solidarity and for all your comments. It truly is an encouragement to know that so many of my sisters have experienced this and yet have gone on to have beautiful babies. Such a sign of God making everything beautiful in His time. I hope, wait, and pray for that as we journey through this grieving process. Thanks for sharing your hearts with me. Love, Sarita

  • Praying for you Sarita. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you and your husband.

  • Sarita my miscarriage happened when I had one child at home who at the time was just past 9 months …..they did an ultrasound to make sure I was no longer pregnant. only to find I was still pregnant with TWINS ..it was a mixed blessing since my lower back was hurt in an accident.but your words about loss have touched me in my life right now, I now have lost the love of my life and father to my children. God has his reasons for all that transpires. May you both be Blessed if it is in God,’ s will to carry a child. I will continue to lift you both up not only for you time of grief but for all to well with Zion project

  • Anonymous

    My wife is a wonderful mother, as I’m sure you are Sarita. I miss her. She is in heaven now, too, looking after your sweet boy till you can be reunited…..

  • Hear the sound of the Lord singing over you and Tyson the sound of LOVE.
    Your world is shaking, ours was too, two in heaven 3rd came at 26 weeks 1 pound 14 ounces the perfect gift. A miracle that is in prayer of coming to serve with you in Uganda! Sixteen and shines of His Awesome love.
    He waits for us!
    He prays for US!
    All of Him. You are a both are such a huge blessing.
    I feel your pain I know your pain, it does not make it go away. Won’t change the time, this is when time is hard.
    Time heals, and this healing time may be long.
    Rest in Him.
    Mary Hawkins (Horizon Christian Fellowship Harrisonburg VA)

  • Thank you to all of you beautiful, brave women for sharing your comments. I hope you’ll share this with a woman in your life who you know has gone through something similar. Thanks for standing with me.