Posts Tagged "ectopic pregnancy"

Infertility still have joy

Why I Stopped Trying to Have a Baby

I was standing in the shower, my head pressed cool against the smooth fiberglass, the hot water pounding my back, when I heard the words spiral up inside me….. I’m sharing over at InCourage blog for women today about why I stopped “trying” to have a baby. Join me over there. 

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Mother's Day is hard

When Mother’s Day is Hard

I never used to think about how Mother’s Day affected some women, that it could be the hardest day of the year for them. It never occurred to me that on that special Sunday in church, the red roses handed out, that I would be one of the ones not standing, looking down at my hands, fighting back tears. I never thought there would be no one to cook for me, or bring me eggs with the shells scrambled in, or color crayoned cards with triangle shaped heads. Infertility is a disease that steals hope. It claws at your promise.
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Open road into death valley

Ten Lessons I Learned from a Road Trip

“Nothing behind me, everything ahead of me, as is ever so on the road.” ― Jack Kerouac, On the Road Sometimes it’s hard to live in the present. Life with its busyness seems to suck at our joy of living in the moment. Then there are trauma’s that pile high which we try so hard to ignore and disconnection that subtly crawls into the corners of our relationship with God, our spouses, and each other. But if you want to live a life of adventure, of growth, you have to be willing to shake things up a bit. So two

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me n my truck

When You Need Purpose

Sometimes in between the kitchen and the washing machine, doing the same acts over again with seemingly little result, I wonder if my life has purpose. I used to love my job. I used to love what I did with a kind of maniacal passion. I used to stay up late writing blog posts and used to look forward to going into the office in Uganda every day to hug each of my beautiful staff each morning. I used to love to sit under a mango tree and counsel a struggling woman. I was someone people looked to for answers, I was

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rocks

How to Recover from a Loss

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.”     –Charles Dickens- I was in Target, a cart full of disheveled clothes, baggy shirts and cardigans, waiting to be tried on. I was going to use them to haphazardly hide my growing belly. The phone call came and I already knew something was wrong. I almost didn’t want to answer it. I could feel the head begin to pound and the knees weak

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view

How to be Content

Most days I don’t know how to let go of fear.  It presses heavy on my chest and claws up my throat threatening to stifle my breath with all the things that can go wrong and do go wrong. And breath is the only thing I have. In and out. Infilling and surrender. Sometimes the mountains don’t keep the grey Marine layer out and the fog rolls in obscuring my view of the sloped horizon. Days like this I have to fight hard to remember what I’m thankful for when the myriad of test results don’t come back the way

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porch

What If There is Meaning in Suffering?

  “We seek our identities in the wake of painful experiences. We can endure great pain if we believe it is purposeful.”   -Andrew Solomon- When we don’t get what we want, it throws our life into a certain amount of chaos. There is a deep desire to control, to force the world to bend to my will. But what if there is meaning in this suffering and like peeking over into a walled garden, perhaps I can discover a secret?   I’ve been trying to get pregnant for over 11 months now. There are a myriad of reasons why this

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yolanda-trail

The Uncelebrated Birthday

Most days I am fine. I get up, walk RosieTheChippin, my breath exhaling in puffs in the cool morning air as the horizon blushes pink. I wait for her to go number two. I pick it up like a good neighbor. I come back, boil water for tea and make the omelet with spinach and goat cheese. I go to the gym and burn as many calories as I can on the elliptical while mouthing Katy Perry. I lift a few weights and wonder in the mirror if I’m doing it right. I come back and sit and stare at

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solar eclipse

How to Become Hopeful

Hope starts small.  Like a thin winged bird unfurling from its nest for the first time. I’m learning there is some kind of secret in this brokenness, something sacred to follow winding down the cave walls towards a halo in the distance. Something to be learned here. About life. About myself. In the breathing in and letting go. In the exhale. There is no short cut to happiness. You have to wake up. You have to do something every day that makes you happy.  And perhaps scares you. Trying out that new trail on your own. Going to a dance

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fall-leaves

When Grieving is the Only Way Through

When I hold the baby and realize that it isn’t mine and I am not sure I will ever clasp feet that tiny in my hands, there is a small part of me that wants to walk to a building’s edge and simply step off and feel the fluttering of air before nothing else. It feels so similar, so close to another time when I lost everything and it is the familiarity that frightens me because it was a dream that died, never realized. Sometimes I feel what others might call me crazy for, these thoughts that tumble over each

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